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xbeyondxbrokenx
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Name: Sharna
Gender: Female
Interests: singing, performing, friends, music, this site
Expertise: none.
Occupation: student.
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/22/2005
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| Hey guys, Sharna here, comments?
I believe that I can overcome and beat everything in the end.
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
Maybe I'll win, but for now, I've decided to die.
But are you willing to give up those nights I spent over your house?
Straight from work, I weave through traffic just to sleep upon your couch.
And now I feel like I have lost a precious four years of my life.
This is the worst mistake I've made and I make thousands every day.
If you give this one more shot, I'll make it up in every way.
I'll call you twice a day and drive you to the airport just so I can watch you leave... even if you're leaving me.
You can walk into a room and spot them.
They seem fine when you talk to them but every now and again, across the room, you catch them looking off into the distance at an invisible point that maybe, they once reached.
They laugh a little different.
They hesitate a little more.
Now they know what it feels like.
And something about their eyes when they listen to music says, 'turn it up until my ears bleed, let it be the last thing I hear.'
I am always sad, I think.
Perhaps this signifies that I am not sad at all, because sadness is something lower than your normal disposition and I am always the same thing.
Perhaps I am the only person in the world then who never becomes sad.
Perhaps I am lucky.
Is that it?
Are you the only person in the world that's been let down?
The only one that's been hurt, abandoned?
What gives you the right to act like you are?
I don't know if you've ever felt like that, that you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist.
Or just not be aware that you do exist.
Or something like that.
I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this.
That's why I'm trying not to think.
I just want it all to stop spinning.
And sometimes, it hits me out of nowhere.
All of a sudden, this overwhelming sadness rushes over me and I get discouraged and I get upset.
And I feel hopeless, sad and hurt, real hurt.
I spent last Tuesday on my living room sofa, watching my carpet.
Watching fibers on my carpet.
And the whole time I was watching my carpet, I was worrying that I might vomit and the whole time I was worrying I might vomit, I was thinking: I'm a grown man, I should know what's going on in my head.
And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I should just blow my brains out and end it all, but the more I wanted to blow my brains out, the more I thought about what I would do to my goddamn carpet.
You think you don't want to pass out where your roommates will find you again.
You're always looking for something new to sniff, smoke or swallow, calling over next door to see what they got.
But you would settle for anything that would make your brain slow down or stop.
You're going to crawl from this bed you have made and stop counting on that camera that hangs around your neck, because it won't ever remember what you choose to forget.
As you try to find some source of light, try to name one thing you like.
You used to have such a longer list and light, you never had to look back, but now it's easy to second guess everything you do.
After my brush with the suicidal impulse, I listen with new ears to others when they speak on the subject.
I think there are people who were born with that little door open and they have to go through life knowing that they might jump through it at any moment.
The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad.
You know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go, 'No, I'm happy for you"?
That's when it's really sad.
I don't want things to be like this anymore, I want to talk to you and I want to be with you.
But it seems like everytime we're close, something happens are we're right back to fighting. and the truth is, I hate not talking to you.
I just don't know if I wanna do it anymore, get close to somebody so they can leave again.
-One Tree Hill
Don't kid yourself, you were never there for me.
If there's anything that I've learned in this whole "getting over you" process, it's that you're always going to mean something to me, no matter what happens. You're always going to be somewhere deep down inside me. Even when I'm happily married to the man of my dreams, if I were to run into you on the street and those gorgeous blue eyes were to meet mine, my heart would skip a beat. Because I'll never forget you and the way you made me feel when we were young and stupidly in love.v | | |
| i am a world full of flaws with lot of mistakes in between
but if you get past that, if you can make your way into my dreams,
i promise you ill be the biggest damn surprise that you've ever seen.
i'll wear my heart on my sleeve cuz im ready to believe
that i can be everything and anything that you will ever need.
and my mind is a photobook of memories of things id like to forget,
promises not meant and bad days spent and a whole heap time full of nothing but regret.
scream my name. scream it and apologise for all the hurt behind these eyes.
you could probably change it but you wont even try.
but the worst of you bring out the best in me
so make sure you watch and then maybe you'll see
i hope you'll see.
i hope you will never sleep soundly again. | | |
| I'm not okay [trust me]
Is that it? Are you the only person in the world that's been let down? The only one that's been hurt, abandoned? What gives you the right to act like you are?
Things just break sometimes. Maybe we should blame that third person, that personality we shared together. Maybe it's their fault because you're a good person and I think I'm a good person too. We just weren't made for this.
You gradually get over t he pain. It doesn't go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with. One morning you wake up and he's not the first thing on your mind.
Hey, it would be fine if you want to come over at nine. We can lay on the floor and watch a movie that we've already seen. Or we can talk and touch with the radio on, we'll wait for awhile, 'til they play our song.
And sometimes, it hits me out of nowhere. All of a sudden, this overwhelming sadness rushes over me and I get discouraged and I get upset. And I feel hopeless, sad and hurt, real hurt.
You took for granted all the times I never let you down.
You spend so much time expecting the worst that you don't even notice the moments when people are loving you.
Now I do as I please and lie through my teeth. Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me. I should probably feel cheap but I just feel free... and a little bit empty.
The truly painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said,
and never explained.
I guess I just got hurt, really hurt.
and sometimes, when that happens,
something inside just shuts off.
If this is what you want,
I'm fine with that.
But please don't ever come back.
So, where do you start, when you want to start your life again?
I've been living in slow motion for two days shy of four months and my critics are the best friends I swear I knew once. And in the end, I guess I really never was enough
These eyes tell the tale of a desperate man too afraid to tell the truth. Just trust me when I say I'm alright. Just trust me when I say I'll get by, I just don't know who I am anymore.
Twelve years I've held it all together but a night like this is begging to pull me apart. I played it quiet, left you deep in conversation. I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen. I remember I kept thinking that I know you never would and now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could
Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you?
comments guys,
Lili x
| | |
| Hey, long time no update. In my last year of school and things are pretty hectic, plus i think im outgrowning all this a bit, but i still love reading everyones quotes.
Life's been ok, not great at all really, just sick of everythign happening to everyone else and never to me, and if anything does happen to me then its getting fucked over by another guy or told your 'just a mate' one more time and im sick of it. Im sick of everyone saying how they've gotten their heart broken and that they miss this guy and that and all i can think the whole time is that at least you had someone, at least someone at one stage wanted to be around you and love you and i dont even get that. Ill take the heartbreak if i could just find someone who thinks im fucking special, who doesnt seen me as the friend or 'get to know me' first, i want to be the one that they see and go 'there she is, i love her' and i want to not chase then, i want to be fucking chased. I want the ASSHOLE that dumped me a year ago not to turn around to me on the weekend and say that he regrets choosing his current girlfriend over me, why bring that up? why drag up all that fucking shit all over again when i was over it? Im sick of not knowing what i want, and im sick of not knowing what i want to do about it. Im sick of sitting there weekend after weeked getting drunk or stoned just because noones telling me not to. Im just sick.
Comments?
1.
And our vices make it bearable enough, to know our lives are shit, but to not give a fuck.
They make it bearable enough to help us on our way.
But it still feels nice to feel alive.
To try and find home or someplace to thrive.
It feels great to be alive except for all those times we feel dead.
2.
I think it's disgusting believing and trusting.
If I gave a fuck, there would be nothing to prove.
Although it's amusing, it's slightly confusing
3.
What are you running from?
Taking pills to get along.
Creating walls to call your own, so no one catches you drifting off and doing all the things that we all do.
4.
I know about the more in morphine, what it's like to wake and feel like a chalk outline of yourself.
I know about days passing so quickly that they don't even wave, let alone stop and say hello.
I know it's been one of those months, one of those lifetimes, when you dream of a laundromat, a place to unscrew your skull and toss your dirty thoughts into a machine, come back an hour later, your impulses all folded and clean.
If I could, I'd have a scientist shrink me down and inject me into your bloodstream, and I'd go with a wash brush and suds bucket, scrub the opium out each one of your cells.
I used to think I was tough because I could hold a machine gun of whiskey to my cranium and take bullet after bullet to the brain.
I used to think the greatest display of strength was lifting a hunk of metal in the air, but now I know it's far more difficult to put something down.
5.
You can't breathe until you choke.
You gotta laugh when you're the joke.
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive.
6.
Music is a total constant.
That's why we have such a strong visceral connection to it, you know?
Because a song can take you back instantly to a moment, or a place, or even a person.
No matter what else has changed in your or the world, that one song says the same, just like that moment.
7.
Choose life.
Choose a job.
Choose a career.
Choose a family.
Choose a fucking big television.
Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers.
Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance.
Choose fixed interest mortgage payments.
Choose a starter home.
Choose your friends.
Choose leisurewear and matching luggage.
Choose a three-piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics.
Choose D.I.Y. and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning.
Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth.
Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you spawned to replace yourselves.
Choose your future.
Choose life. But why would I want to do a thing like that?
I chose not to choose life.
8.
People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality, their feelings most of all.
People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit.
Love hurts.
A lot.
Feelings are disturbing.
People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous.
How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel?
Pain is meant to wake us up.
People try to hide their pain.
But they're wrong.
Pain is something to carry, like a radio.
You feel your strength in the experience of pain.
It's all in how you carry it.
That's what matters.
Pain is a feeling.
Your feelings are a part of you.
Your own reality.
If you feel ashamed of them and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality.
You should stand up for your right to feel your pain
-- Jim Morrison
9.
"We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of bee, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon." - Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas
10.
Life is blah, blah, blah.
You hope for blah
And sometimes you find it
But mostly it's blah...and waiting for blah;
And hoping you are right about the blahs you made.
And then, just when you think you've got the whole blah damn thing figured out,
And you are surrounded by the ones you blah,
Death shows up, and blah blah blah
-- Weeds
11.
I was anti-everything and everyone.
I didn't want people around me.
This aversion was not some big crippling anxiety;
merely a mature recognition of my own psychological vulnerability and my lack of suitability as a companion.
Thoughts jostled for space in my crowded brain as I struggled to give them some order which might serve to motivate my listless life.
12.
There it is again, the thought that tells me I'm not thinking about a thing.
I'm trying to find the meaning.
We lose the purpose that made it, then fuck ourselves up a little more just to make sure.
This is what it's like to feel alone.
13.
I got away from coming to where I was coming from.
I got away.
We're just thinking of ourselves.
We're just taking sides.
We're just selfish. I got away, you leave.
Eveyone seems to just be a product of their enviroment or their surroundings.
I know that's a well-known fact, but it's sick that so many kids will go through the motions.
I mean, what are you trying to do and what are you trying to prove?
Without question, if you're not really concerned, then okay, but it seems to me we are just wasting our time, sometimes it's good to think that I am at least a little bit different from most of my generation. I saw them grow up so fast.
14.
I'm second hand smoking two packs a day.
And all my exercise comes from running away.
And we hit every fucking light from here to eternity.
And we hit every fucking light from here to our dreams.
15.
People think it's all about misery and desperation and death and all that shit, which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it.
Otherwise we wouldn't do it.
After all, we're not fucking stupid.
At least, we're not that fucking stupid.
Take the best orgasm you ever had, multiply it by a thousand and you're still nowhere near it.
When you're on junk, you have only one worry: scoring.
When you're off it, you are suddenly obliged to worry about all sorts of other shit.
Got no money, can't get pissed.
Got money, drinking too much.
Can't get a bird; no chance of a ride.
Got a bird: too much hassle.
You have to worry about bills, about food, about some football team that never fucking wins, about human relationships and all the things that really don't matter when you've got a sincere and truthful junk habit.
16.
We stole drugs, we stole prescriptions, or bought them, sold them, swapped them, forged them, photochopied them or traded them with cancer victims, alcoholics, old age pensioners, AIDS patients, epileptics and bored housewives. We took morphine, diamorphine, cyclozine, codeine, temazepam, nitrezepam, phenobarbitone, sodium amytal dextropropoxyphene, methadone, nalbuphine, pethidine, pentazocine, buprenorphine, dextromoramide chlormethiazole. The streets were awash with drugs that you can have for unhappiness and pain and we took them all. Fuck it, we would have injected Vitamin C if only they'd made it illegal.
17.
So why did I do it?
I could offer a million answers, all false.
The truth is that I'm a bad person, but that's going to change, I'm going to change.
This is the last of this sort of thing.
I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life.
I'm looking forward to it already.
I'm going to be just like you: the job, the family, the fucking big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisurewear, luggage, three-piece suit, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead, to the day you die.
18.
I wait for the day when I forget who you are,
When the sound of your name is old and worn,
The day I won't remember why I needed you so bad.
19.
Oh, I try not to think about that.
I try not to think at all.
I get cocaine from a girl I met, and my brother buys me alcohol.
And I stay up all night walking through these houses I have grown to hate, and my parents ask if I'm all right.
I say, "I've just been staying up too late."
I need to sleep.
I need to do something to get this awful weight off my chest.
20.
I'm not that girl.
I'm not the girl who gets attached. I dont like feelings, they're messy.
And i don't like being hurt.
Why did i let him get to me when i know that everyone always leaves?
21.
And now I'm just so fucking sick of everything.
I'm sick of getting hurt and I'm sick of hurting other people.
It's like I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore, pain has become a part of me
whether I like it or not, it's here to stay.
And I'm either feeling the hurt or dishing it out to someone else and making them as miserable as the hurt I'm constantly feeling inside.
22.
Fuck you for leaving me.
Fuck you for not needing me.
I wanna say fuck you because I still love you.
No, I'm not okay, and I don't know what to do.
23.
I want a drink.
I want fifty drinks.
I want a pipe and some rock.
I want a long fat line of meth, I want ten hits of acid, a tube of industrial-strength glue.
Give me a bottle of pills, give me some dope laced with PCP.
Give me something.
Anything.
I need to get out of here.
If not in body, at least in mind.
I need to get the fuck out of here.
24.
Sometimes you just need to be
Sometimes, not even your best friend needs to know.
Sometimes, you need to put up the walls so you can examine yourself in the peace and quiet.
Sometimes the loud sounds need to fade away, leaving only the silence and you; that's it.
25.
You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you.
And you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store or swallowed pills or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired.
You're in a car with a beautiful boy and you're trying not to tell him that you love him and you're trying to choke down the feeling and you're trembling, but he reaches out and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for.
26.
Maybe it's my brain chemistry.
Maybe that's what's wrong with me.
Bad chemistry.
All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses.
I need to get help for that.
27.
All I'd ever wanted was to forget.
But even when I thought I had, pieces kept emerging like bits of wood floating up to the surface that only hint at the shipwreck below.
A pink shirt, a rhyme with my name, the feeling of hands on my neck.
Because that' what happes when you try to run from the past - it doesn't catch up, it overtakes.
Blotting out the future, the landscape, even the very sky until there's no path left except that which leads through it, the only path that can ever get you home.
28.
When you're an addict, you can go without feeling anything,
except drunk or stoned or hungry.
Still, when you compare this to other feelings,
to sadness, anger, fear, worry, despair and depression,
well, an addiction no longer looks so bad.
It looks like a very viable option
29.
Were you born this naive?
I think not.
It takes years of practice pretending not to notice, to become that oblivious to what he is doing to you.
I must inform you, he is not your weakness.
The only thing bringing you down is your lack of pride and self-respect.
Do not talk to me about love: a lover's touch does not sting.
A lover's word do not hurt.
Fear is not love.
30.
What’s worse than being blindly in love with a guy and not seeing what he really is, is being head over heels in love with a guy and seeing him for exactly what he really is.
The asshole, the cheater, the guy who breaks your heart over and over again and still loving him, and not being able to get over him.
31.
And suddenly I became a part of your past.
I'm the part that didn't last.
I lost you and it was effortless.
32.
I could care less if you think I'm being too hard.
I've lived with hard my whole life, I have my reasons.
I can be whatever I want to be.
But one thing is sure enough; I won't be you.
I will not be you.
There are no happy ever afters.
There are good days and there are bad days.
In the end, you chose them for yourself, but they will not last forever.
'Cause no one lasts forever and that's just something you have to deal with.
No one person lasts forever.
33.
I know what it's like to be afraid.
I said I know, I feel it every goddamn day.
And I know what it's like to be angry all the time.
I know what it's like to always be the last in line.
34.
I honestly couldn't care less if you like the same bands or you've read the same books.
Tell me one original thing, tell me one true, real thing that brings me to my fucking knees that I've never heard before and I'm yours.
35.
I'm here not because I am supposd to be here or because I'm trapped here,
but because I'd rather be with you than anywhere else in the world.
36.
This is me damn it!
I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love!
I am a whole complex package.
Take me... or leave me.
Accept me - or walk away!
Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold.
If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. -Stacey Charter
37.
I wanna remember to remember to forget you forgot me.
38.
My arms can't carry the weight of the world anymore.
My mind won't worry about tomorrow's problems anymore.
My heart won't always feel sorry anymore.
39.
I had such fuckin' high hopes for us.
40.
Did you hear it's all my fault again?
I know what no one else knows, why I'm here all alone
41.
It gets too much,
It hurts too much
Starting over and over and over again
42.
You wear the tie because it never occurred to you not to.
You eat eggs every morning but never at night.
You feel excitement and companionship when rich men you've never met put a ball through a net or over a goal line, you feel guilty and a little suspicious every time you see a Salvation Army Santa ringing his bell, you look down at least half a second if a woman leans foward and your stomach rumbles every time you drive by a golden arch, even if you weren't hungry before.
Everybody's programmed.
-Dollhouse
43.
Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true. -To Write Love on Her Arms
44.
Nobody I like likes me as much as I like them.
Nobody I think about thinks about me as much as I think about them.
45.
Didn't take your sleeping pills last night, won't take them again tonight.
I stayed up with the lights on, I'm gonna stay up all night cause I don't wanna live that way.
| | |
| Sorry I haven't updated, Im just busy with shit. Fucking ashamed of myself really, failed again, as always.
All I feel is hollow and bruised, used up and mis-used.
Where I am alone, except for my rage.
My rage, my pain,
I hate my darkest days.
The world he saw was sadder than the one he hoped to find.
But it wasn't near as lonesome as the one he left behind.
'Im not allowed to fall in love' she said, 'Im not allowed to care this much.'
But when you're staying up late, hoping to God he's tossing and turning, thinking of you, it's too late already
At least I expected the disappointment, right? I mean, I can't say I was surprised you hurt me once again.
But, I can't say it hurt any less either
I want to be fine, I want to be sure.
I want to be a lot of things.
And none of them include you.
When the truth is ugly, people try to keep it hidden because they know if revealed, the damage it will do.
So they conceal it within sturdy walls or they place it behind closed doors or they obscure it with clever disguises but truth, no matter how ugly, always emerges.
And someone we care about always ends up getting hurt.
And someone else will revel in their pain and that's the ugliest truth of all.
I've got big dreams but no self-esteem, you know?
I'd reach for the stars but I can't find my arms.
All this time we've accomplished so much, why can't I believe?
Why can't I just feel love?
But damnit, we're so young.
Well, I don't think I care.
And if I hurt you, then I'm sorry.
Please don't think this was easy.
We met for coffee and a cigarette and talked about how feeling gets when we hear a certain song that hits the spot and puts us in a world thats not real anymore.
For the sake of secrets, let's say I'm safe.
Let's say I got a hiding place.
Let's say I've made apologies, the hearts I've broken have been appeased.
Let's say the storm, like most, will pass.
Let's sing a song for relief at last.
Let's say that only time will tell if I'm really over being overwhelmed.
I've made mistakes.
They keep me company.
Oh man, what's up with me?
But I've changed, it's comforting.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row.
When I go out, I lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler-
One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small.
And the ones that mother gives you don't do anything at all.
Go ask alice, when she's ten feet tall.
Most times I wish that I could leave everything just so I can drink.
I hate being sober.
I hate dealing with past memories that hurt so much.
I have so many regrets and guilt.
I just want to forget everything.
No one in the world ever gets what they want and that is beautiful.
Everybody dies frustrated and sad and that is beautiful.
You're not hopeless or helpless
And I hate to sound cold,
But you don't know what love is.
What I wouldn't do to be Alice climbing through the looking glass,
Taking one of those pills that makes you small,
So small.
What I wouldn't do to be less.
The edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
The others - the living - are those who pushed their control as far as they felt they could handle it, and then pulled back or slowed down or did whatever they had to when it came time to choose between Now and Later.
How embarrassing.
Give me needy emotional whining bullshit.
Fuck me.
I'm so tired of being me.
Everything before now, is just a story I carry around.
I guess that would apply to anybody in the world.
What I need is a new story about who I am.
What I need to do is fuck up so bad I can't save myself.
comments? | | |
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